*~Emotional Train Wreck~*
Mood:  blue
the past week for me has been one big emotional train wreck...my grandfather forgot about my birthday...my parents are most likely getting a divorce b/c they cant even stand to be in the same room as one another...money is tight..my grandma and my aunt whom i have always depended on want nothing to do with me now and last but not least...the love of my life gave up on me and broke up with me last night. sometimes i wrap myself up really tight in my covers and get a good cry in...then i usually feel better after that but this time it seems like that doesnt even make me feel better. i am not gonna sit here and pity myself i caused all of this to happen...especially the whole ray breaking up with me...i took my stress out on him and i shouldnt have done that...i dont know what i was thinking...i became like this seriously bitchy asshole and all i did was get mad and yell at him..i am so ashamed in myself...i love him with all my heart but hes gone...and it looks like i wont be getting him back...hes right i do need him...but not in the way he thinks that i do...i need him b/c hes the only one that i have ever loved like this...all my hopes and dreams were finally coming true since the day that i met him..its hard to find a guy where everything u have ever wanted and looked for in was all there...last night i cried myself to sleep..pathetic i know but right now it hurts so bad that even breathing is a strength that i dont seem to have at the moment..."tears are words the heart cant say"...there must be alot that my heart is wanting to say b/c all i have done is cry. i can one minute be smiling and laughing and then all of a sudden be crying so hard that i jus start begging God to help me through this...i miss him and it hasnt even really been a day yet since i lost him..i dont know how i am gonna be able to pull this off. i miss all my friends...i havent been able to talk to any of them or see them and it sucks...i need melissa right now b/c no matter what she always knows what to say to get my mind off of things and thats just what i need. oh gosh i really miss him...lol this is so freakin crazy i have to get ahold of myself i mean seriously i am sitting here crying over this missing him like mad and where is he? i am sure hes off having the time of his life with his friends with not a care in the world or a throught about me...hes not missing me or wishing he hadnt broken up with me...i am jus the pathetic one sitting here wishing it was all a bad dream...so many people got so pissed at me when i told them i was with him after all that had happened between him and i awhile back but i stuck right by his side defending him and loving him as much as i could...and yet where is he when i need him by my side? i need him right now so much with all that is going on...and hes no where in sight...i am gonna end this entry with a song that i listen to when ray jus leaves me...its the one song that explains my feelings and what i am thinking in the best way i know how to even express them...ray i love u sweetie and i always will...i am sorry that i pushed you away...

"When You Told Me You Loved Me"

Once
Doesn't mean anything to me
Come
Show me the meaning of complete
Where
Did our love go wrong
Once we were so strong
How can I go on?

When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
to get over the feeling of knowing
A dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
how could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one

Why
Can't I just leave it all behind
I
Felt passion so bright that I was blind
Then
Something made me weak
Talking in my sleep
Baby, I'm in so deep and you know I believed

When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
to get over the feeling of knowing
A dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
how could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one

Your lips
Your face
Something that time just can't erase
Find my heart
Could break
All over again

When you told me you loved me
Did you know it would take me the rest of my life
to get over the feeling of knowing
A dream didn't turn out right
When you let me believe that you weren't complete
Without me by your side
how could I know
That you would go
That you would run
Baby, I thought you were the one

so happy!!!!!!!!!!! *blushes*
today was a pretty good day..it had its ups and downs..but they all do lol...i spent the night at my grandmas house last night it was pretty fun actually...my aunt and i went looking around online at diff. websites like coach, gucci, dooney & bourke, and prada..it was fun i picked out a purse on dooney & bourke that i want so i will prolly be ordering that soon...u can never have enough purses haha anyways...today ray asked me out..i am so happy...so now we are finally a couple. its nice. hes all mine hee hee...(love u baby *muuah*) right now i am sitting in my room listening to one of my new c.d's i bought a couple days ago...its the ashlee simpson c.d "autobiography" its a niiice c.d i love it..i think i have listened to "pieces of me" over a thousand times in my bed and double that singing it...its a fun song. i haven't been feeling very well lately *tear* but hey its all good...my ex bf aharon and i have started talking again which is awesome...it was nice to hear from him again...and the fact that we are cool after everything that happened between us is even better so aharon if ur reading this...i've missed ya! tomorrow if it doesnt rain i have to wash my car for sure b/c its been almost 2 weeks of no washing...my poor mustang so yeah thats one of my plans for tomorrow...ok well i am tired and missing my baby so i am gonna go get some sleep...night all!!! *muuah*

blah blah blah
hey!
its been awhile since my last journal entry..i guess i got lazy or something..but who knows lol. things with ray and i are definately looking up which is great. and me and melissa are hanging out more which is awesome b/c shes like the best ever lol if ya see this missie LOVE U!!!!!!!! lolol right now i am at my moms office on one of her computers and i am bored outta my mind...we are waiting for a pizza to get here yay! ok well theres not much to say and i am bored so i will try and write some more later..peace 8 more days till my b-day and 7 more days till rays! woop woop!!!

hes gone...
Mood:  sad
What do u do...when life just doesnt seem worth it anymore...what if ur happiness is gone and all u do is cry? i miss him so much that it hurts to breathe...i mean i know that writting the letter i wrote him had to of been done bc he seemed like he didnt want me around anymore...but then i am also kinda thinking that maybe he was jus busy and he has alot going on now and i jus pushed him away when he needs me the most....ugh...if he would only jus talk to me to tell me what the hell is going on then i would know the truth and i wouldnt be sitting here coming up with a million and one diff. things on what might be going on..but i jus miss him so much...i feel like my heart has been ripped and my soul has been shattered...he was my everything and still is...and i love him more than i could ever put into words...i jus wish he was here then i know i would be okay....i would be safe for once.....i pray that somehow God will bring him back to me....but days are going by and i dont even think that he notices i am not there anymore....i guess its jus what i said to him before....he was everything to me and i was nothing to him...i would have done w/e it would take to be the one to end up with him....and i thought for sure he was the one i was gonna spend my life with..now i gotta figure out how to keep on living my life without him....it hurts to even say that...i dont wanna go on w/out him....i love him so much....ray if u see this....i still love u with all my heart its jus i couldnt keep going on like that...i needed u to be open with me...if ur busy then say your busy dont jus push me away for days saying nothing to me at all...and if ur feelings changed then i would have needed to know that to...but i still love u...and a part of me always will i guess.....once again i am jus the girl who fell in love with the guy and i meant nothing to him...*sigh* i'm out b/c i got some things to think about....and i gotta figure out how to heal this pain....

Some entries i wrote while i was in cali
Mood:  sad
Journal entry #1- June 21, 2003
Hey all i am on the plane on my way to chicago....our first stop before we get to cali...i hate to fly but hey its all good..i dont know if making this trip was a good idea or a bad one but its kinda too late to turn back now so i guess i will jus have to see what happens next. I really hope that while i am in california i will be able to see someone that would be awesome! but who knows anything could happen! i am extremly bored and i dont really have anything to talk about so i am jus gonna ramble on! when we were sitting at the airport its hilarious b/c u see so many diff things. I saw this one guy who almost got his butt run over by a bus and i mean literally his butt almost got hit by a bus! hahaha omg if u would have seen the look on his face and the way he wiggled his butt outta the way so that it wouldnt get hit well lets jus say u would have been laughing just as hard if not harder than i was! ***my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and their like its better than yours damn right its better than yours i could teach ya but i have to charge*** that song is sooo annoying but yet wherever we go it is stuck in my head!!! grr! this is the time that ineed my bestestestestestestestestesetsetsetsetsetsestestestest friend in the whole wide world to be here with me!!! i know that her and i would have a blast...but someday we will get to chill so LOOK OUT WORLD HERE WE COME!!!!!!!! WOOP WOOP haha annnyways this entry is sorta pointless and if u took 5 minutes outta your day to read this then your just as bored as i am!!!!! lolol love u all! later!

Journal Entry #2- June 22, 2003
Well i am in california woohoo! lol *rolls eyes* so far its not been to bad though....except my internet isnt working so it looks like i am not gonna be able to talk to my friends for 3 weeks which sucks massive butt!...we are on our way to laughlin Nevada..we are going to be staying at a hotel called "The flamingo" fun fun! I am sooo exhausted from the plane flight yesterday..i thought we were never gonna get to cali...we flew out from Baltimore to chicago and then we had an hour and a half lay over in chicago due to the wearther! it was such a long flight! But we are here now and my uncle is driving us to nevada haha. i wasnt even in cerritos for a whole day and i am already traveling again! i miss my friends so much though! LIS AND KRI I MISS U GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!! ok well my battery on my lap-top is starting to die so i will write more later! **muah* much love to u all!

Journal entry #3 -June 27th, 2003
my trip to california this year was one of the worst mistakes of my life...all i have done is fight and cry....the arguments with my mom have been extremly bad...her and my dad both are being so unreasonable....but they can think and feel however the hell they want to b/c i know the truth and i am not giving up...i am going home tomorrow to b/c i cant take it here anymore and my mom was taking all my privelages and shit away so this trip is over as of now...enough is enough...*sigh*

Today is a good day!
Mood:  happy
Today is actually a really good day...i'm happy..i'm in love and i have this butterfly feeling in my stomach...i havent had one of those in a really long time! haha its nice..i feel like my dreams are coming true and it feels great! today i am also going to get my hair cut woop woop! but yeah i feel happier than i have been feeling for awhile...i feel like the piece of me that was missing is finally back...i just hope that this time it lasts and its not a come and go thing...

**You know your in love when you cant tell your dreams from your reality**

I love u so much and u know who u are!!!!!!!!!!

ahh the stress lmao!
Mood:  irritated
Omigosh i am feeling so stressed out here lately...i jus feel so pressured by everyone...between ppl expecting me to be someone i am not and then this whole thing with california on monday...its jus so much all at once. I havent really talked to my best friend rob in a few days and it sucks butt b/c of all the times i need him this would have to be number one haha. but its ok i'll jus try and call him tonight. I finally got to see my grandma and aunt for the first time last night in like 2 weeks...it was soo nice to finally see them b/c i missed them so much! I went and saw them this morning to b/c i had to drop off a jacket so yeah yay me! lol...my parents are in baltimore today up at John Hopkins Hospital...they think my dads disease may be outta remission....which isnt a good thing at all so i am praying that its not. They said if he got sick again like that...than he wouldnt make it this time which i know the doctors arent always right but its still a scary thought and i dont want my dad to have to be in the hospital again like that...to many times in my life i have had to wake up in the middle of the night to my mom saying that my dad was seriously sick and the ambulance was on its way...and to many times have i stood at the door watching the ambulance pull up in the driveway with their lights flashing and watching them roll a stretcher into the house and put my dad on it and then take him away...so anyways i am waiting for a call from my mom to tell me if dads ok or if his doctor up at bay view is going to keep him there....i have to start packing for my trip but shit i dont even know where to start lmao i hate packing! its soo evil! but its all good ok well i have some things that i need to get done...so when i find out whats with my dad i'll be sure to fill ya in! love ya all peace

" I cant " - By me
People think they know the real me,
But they only know the part of me that i let them see.
Sometimes I find myself sitting alone trying to forget your face,
I want to convince myself that it was jus one big mistake.
I gave you all i had to offer and that was my heart,
Although that wasnt enough to keep you b/c u jus ripped it apart.
I want to tell myself that that your not the one,
and the simple saying "whats done is done".
"Love isnt supposed to hurt" I've gotta keep that in mind,
I can see the damage you caused now i'm no longer blind.
I couldnt feel you there anymore, its like you put a lock on your heart and jus slammed the door.
Why am I holding onto you, to this love in my heart?
When you dont want me...you want no part.
I've been down this same road once before,
I thought our love was something more.
I can't think clearly it all seemed to happen so fast,
One minute everything was fine I thought for sure this time it would last.
I lied to myself for so long,
I kept telling myself you really did love me and i was wrong.
Our love felt so strong and so great,
It left an endless smile on my face and the belief in my heart that meeting you was fate.
I cant allow myself to believe that you care, b/c if u did i never would have no longer felt you there.
This may have been a game to you,
but to me it was so real, beautiful and true.
So now i've gotta find myself and my strength within.
This time I cant let my broken heart win.

Blah
Hey guys,
Today was such a stressful day...i thought that everything was gonna go great...i thought i was gonna get to see rob and i thought that after that i was then gonna hang out with melissa but my dad has like completely flipped out and i dont even know why...hes basically grounded me and he took my car away from me...i am jus soo tired of this constant stress from him..its not fair anymore...*sigh* well i am really sad right now and i dont have much more to say...bye

So much to do and so little time!
Hey all!
this weekend I have so much planned..i am so excited! my best friend rob is coming home tomorrow around 3 and i cant wait to see him! he owes me a hug haha ;) And after i spend time with Rob..then i am going over to my best buds house to go swimming and prolly do our usual of pigging out on ice cream! i always have a blast with her its soo awesome. I have been kinda sad lately b/c me and my bf broke up...so all my plans i have made this weekend are something to keep me busy! so hey its better then sitting at home all sad right? Its weird how life changes so quickly...one minute you can be so happy and the next you can be sitting there thinking why the hell did that have to happen?! lol but hey everything is always fine in the end and if its not fine then you know its not the end? so i am looking at it this way..its jus the beginning of my life and i cant wait to live the rest of it! well love u all and i will give u an update on how everything went! *hugz*